He's a Ladies' Man
by FE Frog
Summary: An old witch put a curse on Rolf in his dream, and now every girl in the army is suddenly madly in love with him. What is a boy to do? How can his brother help? K-plus  because of one mild mentioning of 'stuff'. Mild language. One-shot


FE Frog: Hey guys! This is just something I started writing in a notebook months ago, then forgot about... But I decided to finish it! Because it deserved to be read.

Anyways, I apologize to anyone reading PoC or JSTG 2... November was busy, and December even more so. In their stead, I decided to post THIS!

Think of it as a belated Christmas present to FE fans everywhere. Or, those that read it. Either way, I enjoyed writing it. And I hope you enjoy reading it.

P.S. - It's almost 1:00 in the morning. I'm not in the mood to edit. I just skimmed over it for big mistakes. And I've been wanting to get this out for a while, so don't blame me for not wanting to wait until the morning.

* * *

><p>"Rolf?" Boyd asked, looking up from the axe he was sharpening. Rolf had just run into his tent, muttering something about 'crazy people' and hid under Boyd's chair. "Rolf, " Boy repeated, laying away his weapon and looking down between his legs at the boy who was crouched there. "Is something wrong? Having nightmares again?"<p>

Rolf's eyebrows furrowed momentarily. It was the middle of the day... He couldn't possibly be having nightmares... He shook the thought from his mind and curled into a ball. "You have to help me!"

The fear in his brother's eyes made Boyd panic, yet at the same time, he was sceptical, "This means you forgive me, right? You know, for the spider incident?"

"Yes! Yes! Please, just HELP!" Rolf latched onto one of Boyd's legs.

"Holy shit, Rolf, what's wrong?"

"They're... They're crazy..."

Boyd raised an eyebrow, "Rolfie, who's crazy?"

"Everyone!" The boy squeaked, "All the girls have gone psycho!"

"Wait... What?" Boyd got up from his chair and looked down at his brother, "Rolf, what exactly happened?"

Rolf rolled his eyes, then looked around the room cautiously before saying in a low tone, "Well... It all started last night...

oooOOOooo

In my dream, an old woman appeared dressed like a shaman, but with a funny pointy hat. She spoke a funny language, kind of like the herons but even weirder. I asked her to speak English, but she would cover her ears and yell at me. So I gave up and let her speak.

After a while, she lifted her hands and started to talk even funnier, as if she was chanting.

That's when I woke up. It was already morning, which surprised me. Not that it matters.

Anyways... So I got up and got ready for the march across the bridge to Daein. When I left the tent, I felt sort of weird. Like someone was staring at me. Naturally, I looked around. All the soldiers were too preoccupied with getting ready to go, so it wasn't any of them. Then I saw one pair of eyes. It was Lyre, and as soon as I saw her, she grinned this really weird grin. I got scared and walked off.

Before I know it, Lyre was in front of me!

"Hey," She said, like she actually cared about a beorc like me.

I blushed and said "Hi' back, then turned to keep going. Only, Lyre grabbed my hand and turned me back around. Then she asked me if her collar looked okay.

I started to freak out because it was, you know, Lyre. She usually looks at me like she wants to claw my eyes out the first chance she gets! But this time she... I don't acutally know what it was, but it scared me.

And then she said something that REALLY creeped me out. She said... No, she yelled, "I LOVE YOU ROLF!"

I ran away, and kept running towards the training area. Mia was there trying to train Rhys, like she has been for years, on how to hold a sword. I hurried over to them and tried to tell them about Lyre, but suddenly Mia was telling me she loved me as well! She dropped the sword she had been holding, which just barely missed a very confused Rhys' foot, and threw her arms around me! She even tried to KISS me, Boyd!

oooOOOooo

"Well, that's not so bad. Mia's annoying, sure, but at least she's cute."

"That's not the point! As I was saying...

oooOOOooo

Thank the Goddess I turned my head just in time, so she only landed a big, wet one on my cheek. It was still gross.

I tried to get her off of me, but she _really_ wanted to kiss me for some reason. It was only when Lyre showed up and saw Mia, and then called her a bitch for stealing 'her man' away from her, that Mia let go. Lyre was also trying to claw her eyes out.

While they were distracted, I ran as fast as I could to the shop tent! I knew Ike was trying to buy some vulneraries, so I figured he'd make a perfect shield, right?

But Aimee was also there.

"Oh, Ike!" She was saying, "You just keep getting stronger and stronger everyday!"

Ike looked back at me and mouthed the words 'help me', so I decided that it would be an 'I help you, you help me' kind of situation.

"Listen, Lady," I said, puffing my chest out, "Let Ike go."

Aimee didn't even look at me, continuing on about how gorgeous their children would be some day, and then telling Ike to call her beautiful.

So I went up and grabbed her hand to force her away. It was a huge mistake.

As soon as we touched, she turned to me, eyes wide, and smiled. "Oh, Rolfie!" She gasped, "I didn't know playing rough was your style."

Ike had booked it out of there, so I was all alone with the crazy lady. She cornered me against a stack of boxes, this really scary look in her eyes.

"What is wrong with all of you?" I demanded as she ran a hand down my arm, "Leave me alone!" I even tried pushing her away, but she's a LOT stronger than she looks!

First, she took off her veil thingie, than she, like, tried unbuttoning my shirt! She only got two open before I pushed her away as hard as possible and ran out. Lyre and Mia were already there, waiting for me, but I managed to duck and escape when they leaped out at me.

I kept running through camp, looking back every few seconds to see Lyre, Mia and Aimee gaining on me. Crazy people are fast! The last time I looked back, a giant white thing had knocked me to the ground. Before I could even open my eyes, the white thing was _kissing_ me!

"Princess Leanne!" Tibarn shouted, landing not too far off behind and running the rest of the way.

oooOOOooo

"Oh," Boyd said, and then pointed to the bruise on his brother's face, covering his right eye, "That must explain the black eyes."

Rolf shook his head, laughing like the idea was ridiculous. "No! If Tibarn punched me, I would have been KILLED! Let me finish, will you?"

"Okay..."

oooOOOooo

As I was saying. Leanne was still kissing me, holding onto my shirt as Tibarn tried to pull her off. Did you know she's actually really strong? Ulki _and_ Janaff had to help Tibarn before she got off. Then it was Reyson who dropped in front of me as I sat up. He's the one who punched me.

oooOOOooo

"Hah hah hah hah hah hah!" Boyd fell to his side, laughing, "You got a black eye from a heron!"

Rolf glared at his brother, sticking out his bottom lip in a bit of a pout. "Shut up. I'm not done yet."

Boyd wiped his eyes, "I'm sorry... It's just so- HAH HAH!- funny!"

Rolf rolled his eyes.

oooOOOooo

Anyways. By then, the other girls had a chance to catch up, and Leanne somehow managed to free herself from Tibarn, grab my face, and kiss me again before the others pulled her away. I took the chance to get up and keep running, hoping no one else was as crazy.

I hid out in Daniel's tent for a while. Not that many people have the money to custom make weapons, so there weren't many people there. Daniel even got Oscar to get my weapons for me, because we were going to fight soon. I was kind of scared to leave, but at least this time I would be armed.

And I hoped that the enemies would distract the crazy girls.

When I stepped out of the tent, Ilyana was _just_ passing by, carrying an armful of bagels with her. I wasn't quick enough to go back, and she was on me.

oooOOOooo

"Ilyana dropped _food_ for you? This is starting to get a little unbelievable."

"It's true! Now listen, for the Goddess' sake!"

oooOOOooo

The bagels showered over me as she grabbed onto my arm. She's like a leech, I tell you. Once she's on, she doesn't get off. And then she tried _eating_ my shoulder! While mumbling that she loved me!

I ran away as fast as I could, but ended up dragging her behind me. I screamed for help, but everyone was getting ready to fight! I didn't want to hurt her or anything, because that's just mean, but she was STUCK THERE! ON MY ARM! I even told her about all the delicious meals Oscar was preparing, but she didn't budge!

I ended up having to drag her onto the battlefield, where Ike pried her off for me. He said it was repayment for me getting Aimee off his back. Either way, she was off. The only problem was that about half our team was made up of girls.

As soon as Ilyana was off, they ALL jumped me! No regard for the hundreds of enemies on the bridge ready to attack them! Even Sigrun, Tanith and Marcia were diving at me with their horsie-birdie-thingies!

oooOOOooo

Boyd scrunched up his nose, "But aren't they, like, old? Well, not Marcia. And only for you. I could easily get away with it."

"You'd be surprised.

oooOOOooo

As I was saying. They ALL jumped me! Ike, Oscar, Shinon and Gatrie struggled to dig me out of Mt. Estrogen.

Thankfully, they quelled the girls enough so that they could focus just a bit more during the battle. But any time we foot soldiers had to be carried somewhere, Sigrun, Tanith and Marcia nearly had a battle to the death over who would carry me. I ended up hitching a ride with Haar.

Of course, as we went, Tibarn came along with Leanne. As soon as she saw me, she flew straight at me! Tibarn tried to grab her, along with his soldiers, but she was either too quick or too strong... Or both.

oooOOOooo

"Tibarn _and_ his hawks were too weak for frail little Leanne?"

"I explained that already. When she first attacked me. _Listen_, Boyd.

oooOOOooo

Of course, as soon as I got the littlest bit hurt by some random enemy guy or another, they all charged him like the crazy women they are! As helpful as it was, it was scary. Especially Mia jumping out of nowhere and lopping the guy's head off every now and then. Even Leanne had this card thingie that let her attack with magic. It didn't do much, but she was insistent on putting herself in harm's way to save me.

When Ike killed the boss guy, all of them came to me again, and hugged me, and acted all fluffy and scary! They told me how brave I was, and how I must have killed the most enemies. Really, they killed more because they wouldn't let an enemy near enough for me to get! And that's saying something, because I attack from far away!

oooOOOooo

Boyd shook his head, "Rolfie, Rolfie...All the girls were _swooning_ over you, and you didn't like that? I know you're still young, but this is too much. One word and who cares about a threesome, you could have _dozens_ in your bed. All at the same time!"

A look of disgust came over Rolf's face, "I'm not like you, Boyd. I'd prefer to wait until the right girl, maybe get married, and then-"

"Shut up and continue the story."

oooOOOooo

They all fought to be the first person to heal a few little scrapes I had. The funny thing is, none of them were from enemies. They were all from the girls knocking me over so they could slay the next soldier for me. Again, I asked for help, but Shinon decided I needed to figure it out on my own. Ike actually agreed. Oscar was a little hesitant, but didn't want to have to face all those girls' wrath without backup.

It took me a while, but I eventually got them all to start fighting each other so I could get away. They're vicious...

oooOOOooo

That's about it. Once I got back to camp, I came here to hide from them. I figured you could protect me." Rolf said with a sigh.

Boyd frowned, "So you're telling me that hordes of girls are after you, and you expect _me_ to protect you from them? When even Tibarn is too weak to hold down _one_?"

"Well..." Rolf blinked innocently, "Yeah. You're my brother. You swore to always protect me."

"Even I have to draw the line somewhere," Boyd put up his hands and went to the front of the tent, "Now either I leave you here all alone, or you leave the tent and face those girls head-on."

Rolf's bottom lip began to quiver, "But Boyd... They're so scary!"

"You're 16 years old! It's about time you get some balls of your own! Now get out of my tent, and be a man!"

"Fine." Rolf stood up, glaring at his brother, "But you'll regret this."

Boyd rolled his eyes, lifting the flap to let him out, "I'm sure I will."

With one last glare, Rolf crossed his arms over his chest and left the tent. Squeals of excitement ensued.

And then Rolf said something that made Boyd's jaw drop.

"BOYD TRIED TO KILL ME!"

And then came the starting sounds of a stampede. "Oh, shit," Boyd managed to get out before they hit him.

Rolf merely stood there, grinning, as his brother was beaten to an unrecognizable pulp. "Serves him right for putting spiders in my bed."


End file.
